When we saw SG earlier this week, it was the first time we were dealt with as an actual couple, as opposed to two individuals.  I came out of it feeling less depressed than I've felt for a long time. SG knows how to hold a person's feet to the fire, and he held both M's and mine to the appropriate fires for the appropriate times. I feel like someone actually "gets" me without judging me. Feels good. I can't explain it very well, but I needed someone to hear me, and assume I knew what I was talking about.

That was the easy part of the week. The rest of the week has been spent trying to keep Moon alive. Successfully, thus far, I might add. He had stopped eating entirely, but kept showing an interest in food. I'd put something down for him, he'd sniff, maybe give a lick, then ask for something good, please. I was tearing my hair out. The vet started him on Ringer's Solution and some drugs to get his chemistry balanced out.

So, for a couple of days we were giving him Ringer's via a needle under the skin twice a day. He had no flesh on his bones; I was afraid his backbone was going to break through the skin. But he still wouldn't eat. The vet gave a couple cans of Science Diet A/D, which is very soft, almost like a meringue. She sent me home with some syringes, and we've been force feeding Moon several times a day. We cooked up some chicken broth, then pureed the giblets and some meat and mixed it all together. We thin the A/D with the fortified broth, mix the meds in, then squirt it down his throat. He actually seems to like it & will lick the drips off our fingers. It has made all the difference! He's now starting to eat on his own, though not enough for that to put weight back on by itself (so he still gets a couple of doses of A/D squirted down his throat every day). He's more active and has begun putting on weight. And struggling more when we have to poke him for the Ringer's, which, while it's a good sign, does make the process a definite two-person job. He's not on Death's doorstep anymore, but he's not a well kitty, either; kidney failure isn't something that gets better. But we'll get a bit more time with him now.

M's birthday is today. Explains a lot about him, I think. He wanted to get some foundation - makeup foundation. He wants to go out for his birthday dinner in girl clothes. He figured Halloween was a day he could get away with that. Okay, whatever makes him happy. We went to Macy's for foundation. We ended up at the Clarin's counter with a wacky salesgirl. She was fun. I'm betting she didn't completely buy our story about M going to a Halloween party costumed as me, but she didn't even blink an eye. She matched his complexion very nicely, and put it on to show him how it's done. It matched so well that he didn't look like he had make up on at all. We gave her advice about how to get her parents to not be afraid of her Jordanian boyfriend, and she gave us an enjoyable evening. A fair trade all around.

And M still hasn't mentioned cross dressing to SG. I know because I asked him. He doesn't think it's important to our relationship. I told him I thought it was. We'll see what he does now.

We went back for our second appointment with the counselor today. Didn't do me much good - M used all the time for himself. I understand that he's got a lot he needs to deal with, but just telling me up front what it was he wanted/needed would have been nice. I spent all but about 5 minutes sitting in the waiting room alone. 

In those five minutes we were together with SG, I got an informational sheet on verbal and emotional abuse to look over. It pisses me off how many of the different types of verbal abuse listed on the sheet M has used on me. I feel like an idiot for not seeing it before. And M was pouty all day. Wonderful.

The vet called and confirmed that Moon's problem is his kidneys. I don't think we'll have him for much longer; he's going downhill fast. The vet is going to accept a post-dated check for Moon's meds, so I'll drive out to Round Rock tomorrow and pick them up. I want my kitty, and I want him well. Makes me sad that this is coming on top of everything else. I don't feel I'm giving Moon what he needs, emotionally or physically. Maybe I'll just cash out my entire IRA and use whatever is left over from tuition to take care of debts. Of course, then M will just find something else to be upset about, but I'll feel better.

Sometimes you just need a third party's opinion as a reality check. I got my reality check from SG on Thursday, and now I have a triangulation on my perceptions vis a vis reality. It ain't pretty.

SG saw us together, then talked to each of us separately. I let M go first. When it was my turn, I described what I experienced within the relationship. SG seemed to have a good read on me. For some reason, that surprised me; I'm not used to having people able to figure me out so quickly. It was rather heartening. I came away with three big items.

The second item was that these lapses, with M not taking his meds, are cyclical. SG was appalled with M being put on Zoloft. Really appalled. Apparently Zoloft is likely making M's problems worse, not better. Zoloft isn't for anti-anxiety, which is the reason M was prescribed it. M is very intellectual and lives in his head most of the time. Zoloft is just giving him a "high". When SG said that, a light went on for me: M took his first pill on Wednesday and immediately felt better. I am well aware that anti-depressants do not work that fast. SG wants M to see a real psychiatrist and get an informed diagnosis. SG pointed out that the symptoms I was describing were more appropriate to a bi-polar diagnosis than simple anxiety. Holy crap. 

The third item was the cross-dressing thing. M didn't mention it to SG, and I did so only after being coaxed. It's not my secret to tell. But, a therapist can't help if he doesn't know what's going on. He asked a couple of questions, then told me he thought there was more than simple cross-dressing going on here, that this may be more of a trans-gender thing. I've been telling M he needs to talk to a counselor about this, and he keeps putting it off to an indefinite future time. I think the indefinite just got more definite.

But the Big Thing was that SG used the "A" word - Abuse. His opinion is that I'm in an emotionally abusive situation. That hit me like a sack of potatoes. I literally felt like someone had hit me in the stomach.

But, goddammit, he's right. The fact that M is under stress doesn't make it okay to treat me the way he's treated me for years. It's not okay to critiscise every decision I make. It's not okay to treat me like I'm his third hand. It's not okay to continually take his frustrations out on me. How could I have not seen that?

SG's first question was did I want to stay in the relationship. And I don't know the answer to that. He said he couldn't counsel me to stay, because of the abuse, but if I wanted to work on changing the relationship he would help as much as he could. Then he asked me if I loved M, and why. I couldn't give a very good answer, just that he was smart and interesting and could be funny. It's something I'm going to have to think about.

SG told me I'm going to have to work on not holding things in for so long that I blow up. Well, yeah. And that I need to learn how to say "no" and be happy about it. Uhhhh.....guilty as charged. 

When SG brought us both back in together, he was very discrete about what he and I had talked about. He told M I was thinking about leaving, but hadn't made up my mind yet. I'm not sure how M took this; we haven't talked about the session at all, at this point. He said we had to make up our minds on how we wanted to go about this - treat the individuals or treat the relationship. Frankly, I'd like to treat the individuals - M needs more help than just how we relate to each other. And so do I. But, due to money limitations, we'll probably go for the relationship.

The idea of life on my own is deeply scary, especially since I've been accepted to UT. But maybe that's just the price of not being miserable all the time. I don't know what I want or what I ought to do. I'll have to give it some thought and see.

I got my acceptance to the University of Texas at Austin exactly two weeks after applying. Yay!! They warned that it would take time, so applicants shouldn't get too antsy, but exceptional applicants might hear early. Fourteen days; yeah, I think that's early. Wow.

That's the bright spot. The gray morass consists of problems at home, with someone not taking his anti-depressants. I didn't sign up to be an emotional punching bag, scapegoat, or Designated Bad Person. He goes through these cycles, on his meds, off his meds, back and forth, up and down, and seems to think it won't have deleterious accumulative effects on his relationships. Well, life sucks sometimes.

Then yesterday he went behind my back and made an appointment for both of us with the counselor a friend recommended. No discussion. No warning, even. And he wonders why I don't trust him. This may ultimately be a good thing, and I'll go. But I'm far from happy about how he went about it, and the counselor will certainly hear about it from me.

In the mean time, I'm trying to clean house because we've got company coming on Friday, and another set on Saturday. I really don't want company right now, but there you go.

I sent in my application to University of Texas at Austin Tuesday - one day before the deadline. I finished up the essays (which Max critiqued - lets hear it for having a professional in the house!), paid my $60 bucks, and it's all in the hands of the admissions committee now. I feel kind of drained, for some reason. 

Most of my friends aren't political junkies the way I am, but I'm really, seriously urging people to Pay Attention to the political circus currently ongoing in Washington DC - and Oxford, Mississippi. The debate tonight is going to be "Must-See TV" at its finest. Every time I check the news (multiple times a day - I said I was a political junkie), there's another "Holy Crap!" moment. For instance:

"Holy Crap! McCain just suspended his campaign??!!??!! How the fuck do you suspend a Presidential campaign???? What's the matter with him - can't he walk and chew gum at the same time??!!?? What does he think he's going to do - ride into the House chambers on a white horse to save the day??? Who does he think he is - John Wayne??!!??!!"

"Holy Crap! Did you see Caribou Barbie's interview with Katie Couric???? How can someone so damnably perky be so...so...stupid??!!?? She's talking about Putin invading the US through Alaska??!!!?! That's her 'foreign policy experience'????? What. The. Fuck????"

"Holy Crap! Did you see the video of that visiting Pastor guy exorcising witches and demons from around Palin???!!!??? And she credits this guy for getting her elected governor??!!!!!?? And you thought Obama had a 'pastor problem'!!??!!"

"Holy Crap! If McCain has 'suspended' his campaign, how come he's still running his campaign ads on TV???!!?? How come none of his campaign offices know anything about this alleged 'suspension'????? How come his surrogates are still mouthing off cute little anti-Obama bon mots on TV???!!!?? How come he's still raising money through the internet? What exactly does he mean by saying he's 'suspending his campaign' anyway??!!?? I dont think that word means what he thinks it means....'"

"Holy Crap! McCain bailed on Letterman after telling him he was leaving for DC right now!!!! And then he didn't go to DC!! He was giving an interview to Katie Couric instead!!!!! And now Letterman's really, really pissed!!!! Holy Double Crap!!!! I wouldn't want to piss off Letterman if I was running for President!!!!!!"

"Holy Crap! Did you see President Bush's speech on TV???? Wow!!! He's really got that 'fear-mongering' thing down pat now!!!! The whole 'Be afraid! Panic! Run around in circles screaming in fear! We're about to fall off the cliff into the Deep Dark Nothingness!!!! And only I can save you!!!!' spiel sounds just like his 'We must invade Iraq or there's gonna be mushroom clouds everywhere' speech!!!!! You think maybe that's just a coincidence maybe???? Oh surely not!!!!"

"Holy Crap! The Administration actually admits that this pile of stinking manure they call their 'bailout plan' was drawn up months ago???!!!??? So, like, maybe this alleged 'financial emergency' isn't such an emergency after all????!!!!!??? WTF???!!!??!?!"

"Holy Crap! John 'I Never Met A Regulation I Didn't Loathe' McCain is now talking about the need for...wait for it...re-regulating Wall Street?!?!?!?!?!? But I thought he just said that 'the fundamentals of our economy are strong'??!!??!!??!! WTF????"

"Holy Crap! Did you read the article McCain wrote for that insurance industry journal, where he said he wants to do to the healthcare industry what he did to the banking industry???!!!!!?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me???!!!!???"

"Holy Crap! Did you hear McCain's aide say that McCain invented the Blackberry!!!!????? WTF????"

And folks, all this stuff is just from the last 7 days. I tell ya, if you're not following the news, you're missing the biggest circus to come to town in decades. And the debate tonight! Whooweee! What suspense!! Will McCain show up? If he does, will he be any good? Or will it just turn into an Obama Town Hall meeting? Is this what an imploding presidential campaign looks like? Can't wait!

While I don't have anything up at the moment at Etsy.com, I'm considering opening another store, separate from North Star Armoury. We'd use NSA to sell our historical reproductions/SCA stuff, and the new store to sell everything that isn't  SCA/reproduction stuff. But I need to think of a store name, and I'm coming up with, well, nothing. Ack.

I tend to use historical style elements in a more modern context, but my imagination is failing me. It couldn't possibly be because of stress (UT application, rearranging the house, trying to figure out this silly NSA web site stuff), of course.

Of course.

Maybe I should just call it "PullingMyHairOut" and be done with it.

Face it, filling out college applications is a pain in the ass. Applying to University of Texas is no exception. At least I can do it on-line, including filing the required essays. They take three pages of questions just to figure out if you're a legal resident of Texas or not. As it happens, I am a legal resident, for better or worse.

The "Statement of Purpose" - Essay A - isn't causing me any difficulties; I'm an older student, I'm a good student, and they'll be damned lucky to have me, imnsho. The "Personal Essay" - Essay E - the "Let's See If This Person Can Write A Coherent Sentence And Has Basic Reasoning Skills" essay is going to be the fun one. I'm writing on the need for people to possess critical thinking skills, especially during an election year. Perhaps I'll post it when I'm done. Or perhaps not.

One thing I've found I won't have to worry about is how to pay for books and tuition. A company I used to work for was sold, and the former owners rolled my 401(k) over into an IRA back in 2006. I guess I had options to choose, but they couldn't get hold of me, so they dumped everything into an IRA. It's much easier to get money out of an IRA for college than it is to get it out of a 401(k). And money taken out for authorized expenses isn't subject to the 10% surtax, so I'm only responsible for income tax on the amount withdrawn. This is by no means an ideal situation, but it beats taking out loans, at least in my case.

Looks like Austin dodged a hit from Hurricane Ike. We may get some rain this afternoon, and it's breezy outside now, but we're not really even going to get nicked by the bad stuff. Good; because, y'know, while Weather Adventures can be exhilarating and an adrenaline rush, they always have a downside. Except, maybe, snow days. And even then, you end up having to shovel the damned stuff.

Making sure we have batteries, cat food, candles, and water. According to Weather Underground, Ike is going to be a problem, and not just to the coastal areas. Currently, Ike is larger than Katrina, which means that the area that will get hurricane force or tropical storm force winds is huge. At the moment, it looks like he'll pass east of Austin, but we still might get wind and/or flooding and/or tornadoes (!). Great. Just spiffy. We had a wedding to go to on Saturday in San Antonio, but I suspect we'll just stay home. They've been issuing mandatory evacuation notices in the low-lying areas of Galveston, Houston, Matagorda - all along that area of the coast. At least with a hurricane, you can see it coming. Having been without power for several days from Isabel, when we lived in the D.C. area, I can't say I'm eager to do it again any time soon.